by © Tricia Donovan 2000
Although this story is complete in itself, you will not fully appreciate it unless you have also read Cleaning The Ship, where the character of Mrs Mopp is introduced.
It was inspired by a casual remark about hairdressing on Voyager (thank you, Cea!), and by discussion of the Season 6 episode Fair Haven. This had not aired, even in the USA, when I wrote this; it will be a millennium or so before we see it in the UK.
I have now read the reviews (what a hoot!) and heard much discussion of the episode, but I have decided not to rewrite this. The episode was just an excuse, anyway.
Paramount named 'em, Paramount claimed 'em, but this story is mine and may not be posted elsewhere without my permission.
I seen a lot of things during my time on Voyager, but there was always one thing made me a bit sad. I found meself worrying over the Captain (not that she'd've thanked me for it mind). It's all very well being in charge of a starship, but, if you ask me, what she really needed was a husband and kids. And there was one who'd be hers for the asking, not a million miles away from her, if she'd only open her eyes. But there, some people can't see what's right under their noses, can they?
For all she put a brave face on it, she wasn't happy, I could tell that. Well, if she was happy she'd never have got up to what she did. I'm the only one what knows about this, mind, and I've never told a living soul. It didn't seem right somehow. And I've never been one to gossip.
I suppose it all began with the hairdressing really. And that began in the mess hall one day when I was on me break.
I was sitting there enjoying me cuppa, when in comes Trivana. She's one of the girls from Stellar Cartography. Lovely little thing she is. She don't have no trouble getting a date.
She comes from some planet called Betazed or something. Anyway, me and Trivana get on like a house on fire. We seem to be on the same wavelength - almost like she knows what I'm thinking.
Well, it was her day off, and she'd got her hair hanging loose. I was getting used to hair by now, but the first time I seen it, it made me feel ever so queer. Still, it was beginning to grow on me. I said that to Tom, and I thought he'd bust his sides laughing. Sometimes I just don't understand them.
Anyway, as I was saying, there's young Trivana with this black hair hanging down past her waist. She saw me looking and asked me if I'd like to touch it. Well, that's exactly what I was thinking - see what I mean about the same wavelength?
So I stroked it and it was ever so soft, but kind of slippery at the same time, and then I ran me fingers through it and it crackled. It smelt lovely too.
I said it was a shame she didn't wear it like this more often, 'cause as a rule she's got it tied up in a little ball at the back. She said it was Starfleet regulations. Well I looked at it, and then at her a bit, and I said that that was as maybe, but there's ways and ways.
She asked me to show her, and I pulled and primped and fiddled with it a bit, and bob's your uncle - a smashing hairdo that kept everyone happy. I've always been a bit artistic, see.
Well, after that they all wanted me to do their hair, and it got to be a regular thing. Then the girls dragged their boyfriends along, and before I knew where I was, I was doing half the ship.
The Captain got wind of it and said she was concerned that I was being 'exploited'. I said I didn't mind, and she said in that case it would have to be 'put on a proper footing'. Turns out she meant upping me wages. Well, I wasn't going to say no, but it made me laugh a bit to think that I was getting paid for something I liked. Cleaning can be bit lonely sometimes, what with me doing them when they're not there, and this way I got to meet a lot of people.
She came in once or twice for a trim, but with her hair the way she had it, there wasn't much needed doing anyway. Then one day she came in with a wig she'd replicated.
"It's not right, Mrs M," she said (they all called me that now, all except that snooty Tuvok and that Borg minx. A proper little madam she is, but that's another story).
I couldn't see what she wanted a wig for, but it turned out Tom had done something new on the holodeck, and they was all to go in costumes.
I went along meself. It was this village from some ancient time back on Earth. Tom had done it beautiful. There was singing and music and this whiskey stuff. Maybe it was that, or maybe it was the music, but I felt a bit weepy, just like I do at weddings.
It didn't stop me seeing what was going on though. There's this one bloke, Michael, one of the holograms. Anyway, he's giving all the ladies the eye, and they're giggling and simpering back. He tried it on me, cheeky monkey, but I wasn't having it. Well, it wasn't long before he caught the Captain's eye, and blow me down if she wasn't loving every minute of it.
I saw Chakotay standing over by a wall trying to look as if he was enjoying himself, but I could tell he didn't like what was going on. I don't know why he doesn't just tell her how he feels: 'Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady'; that's what I always say. What he needs is to get her on her own somewhere. Now if he could get both of them stranded on a planet together, there's no telling what might happen. But there's not much chance of that - I mean the ship's not going to go off without its Captain, is it?
But this business with holograms, well, it's not natural is it, if you know what I mean? I don't mean the Doctor of course. He's not like the rest. He sorted out me feet a treat, and he's always ready for a bit of a chat. "You and I, Mrs M," he says in that funny way he's got. "You and I share an interest in our fellow-creatures."
Anyway, a week or so later she's back again, and this time she's replicated these hair extension things. "I need you to weave them into my own hair, Mrs M," she says, and she looks so young and pretty that I didn't like to spoil it by saying anything. I couldn't help thinking that it was a lot of trouble to go to over a hologram though, and a bit of a waste.
Well, she's just gone when in comes Chakotay for a short back and sides. Now that set me to thinking, perhaps I'd got it wrong, and it wasn't Michael, but Chakotay she was meeting.
So I asked him, conversational like, if he'd got a hot date that night (that's what Tom calls it). Well he laughs a bit, and then he says that he's got a hot date with some overdue reports and black coffee.
I checked with the computer a bit later on, and there he was, in his office. It's not that I was prying or nothing, but I need to know where him and the Captain are in case I need to report to them. By rights I'm supposed to report to Tuvok, but I can't abide the way he looks at me like I'm a bad smell. To be on the safe side I checked on her as well. "Captain Janeway is on Holodeck One," says the computer.
So somehow I ended up in the corridor outside the holodeck. I don't know what I was doing there, really. I think I had a half a mind to tell her to stop wasting her time down here when there was a real man waiting for her upstairs.
Nothing came of it though, because just then the ship gave a lurch, and then a minute later she comes rushing out, doing up her uniform and heading for the turbo-lift. She didn't see me at all.
It gave me a turn the first time the ship did that, but I've got used to it now. It's when they go through a momaly or something. Anyway, if the lights isn't flashing red I don't get too worked up about it.
I was about to go off to the mess hall when I saw she'd left the program running. I thought I'd like to see the village again, so in I went. Well, you could've knocked me down with a feather! There I was in her quarters, that I'd cleaned only that afternoon. Before I could stop meself I was running me finger over the table checking for dust.
"Back for more already, Kathryn?"
Well, I knew that voice, but I'd hoped I'd never hear it again. I turned round, and there he was in the bathroom door. That Kashyk bloke, and as naked as the day he was born. Only he never looked like that on the day he was born, you mark my words. I could see what she saw in him, though. Brings tears to me eyes just thinking about it.
Still, unless I've got it wrong, you can make holograms look like what you want, so maybe it was wishful thinking on her part.
We just looked at one another, and he sort of wilted, if you get my meaning.
"'Scuse me," I said, and I was just about to go out, when I thought it wasn't fair to the Captain to leave it running. So I said, "Computer, end program," very firm and loud like I'd heard the others do. I was half expecting nothing to happen, but it all disappeared, and I was in this empty room with a lot of lines all over it.
I wanted to say something to her, woman to woman like, but I never got up the nerve. It didn't seem to be my place somehow.
THE END
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